Australia

Sydney

Canberra Parliament Building

Great Ocean Road

Aussie Outback

Ayers Rock, Outback

Coober Pedy

Opera House, Sydney

SYDNEY: Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 03:21:30

A nice night out

We've left the Land of the Long White Cloud behind and are now in sunny Aussie. We had a lot of fun visiting a friend of ours in Wellington who we met in Kyoto at the very beginning of the trip. We watched movies, sat, talked, and saw Lord of the Rings at the official Lord-of-the-Rings movie theater (it was nice to see it in the end too, because the movie was filmed in NZ and we've been to a lot of places that show up throughout). We also showered. Without quarters. And there was unlimited hot water! This is something new to New Zealand. We noticed that the water there is a bit manic, and its impossible to take a shower without periodically being burned and frozen. To thank our fine friend, we bought him a poster of a big butt that is all over the country (The Body Shop's valentine day promotion was for massage oils, and the main poster ad was an oily man's behind with a woman's delicate hands covering up nothing shocking. the poster was so big, you could see hairs. Ha ha ha). We were told we were quite naughty to have purchased said poster. He was quite pleased.

From Wellington we drove to Auckland, stopping only for Burger King, where Hagar baffled all by asking for a burger without the burger. It took ten minutes to explain that she just wanted veggies on some buns with mustard.

No burger. The outrageous thing was that they charged us the same amount for a with-the-burger burger, plus extra for the veggies! And they gave her half a slice of a tomato and three shavings of lettuce, and that was it.

Incredible.

In Auckland, we slept. Then we left New Zealand. It's weird how departures feel so sudden. Next thing we knew we were in Sydney, where we had cleverly booked ahead... in the red light district, as we found out. Our hostel owner said, "Welcome, here's your key, there's the door code, and there's the gate key. Make sure to close both doors carefully, bolt your door at night, and don't leave valuables out." Riiiiight. We went to get a bite to eat, and saw the first prostitutes we've seen all trip. None in Bangkok, none in Saigon, but a bunch in Sydney. We mentioned this to a taxi driver who got offended and said repeatedly, "Many countries have prostitution problems, even America, so it's not unusual that it's here too." We agreed with him.

And one more thing: every time we get off the subway, someone asks us if we want to go to a couples show. Even as we type here at "World Internet" all we can see out the window is a sign that reads "The World Famous Love Machine" guarded by a guy with a shaved head and an "01" football jersey. Riiiight.

We really like Sydney. First of all, there is a toilet update:

The public toilets here are automatic. You put in 50 cents, and the door opens. Then you press the orange "lock door" button, and the door closes. The toilet flushes after you leave. You stick your hands under a faucet, and soap squirts out, then water washes your hands then the dryer goes on to dry them, all while you sit there, starring at the thing awe-stuck. But be careful and don't use the toilet for more than 20 minutes. Apparently its not sensitive to those among the human population who like to take reading material in with them. The door opens and you may find yourself in a compromising position. We know of one French woman who over-stayed her welcome, and found herself a part of the automatic cleansing and sanitizing cycle that goes on in there after 20 minutes of usage. Scary.

Dinner Update: We have gone out on 4 "nice" dinners in the past five months.

1. Accidental stumbling into only open restaurant in Kyoto. Also most expensive (as informed when received bill in Roman numerals instead of Kanji).

2. Scary buffet on top of Beijing hotel in order to avert nervous breakdown after missing train and to re-stock vital food stores in body to prepare for approaching flu.

3. Yummy Chinese food in Thailand for Hagar's birthday with three waitresses watching our every move, re-filling our water glasses in mid-sip.

4.  Tonight.

We decided that we were due for a nice dinner, and so decided that the Skytower was the place. It's a revolving buffet restaurant that overlooks the monstrosity that is Sydney. We were expecting something like the Fairmont or John Hancock buffets, which are the epitome of delicious fancy and extravagant buffet food. We paid for the privilege but received something else instead: Sizzler. We paid our money, and got a romantically worded printout to prepare us for our dining experience: TIME IN 630 / TIME OUT 800. We actually had a time limit. And we arrived late (6:45) which meant we had less time than we thought to attack the buffet like the starving children of the world that we are. Alas, if only we knew that we did not need so much time...

Our first glimpse of the restaurant was of its windows. A stunning view of Sydney, over the city center, over the harbor, and out to the beautiful endless ocean. We smiled at each other. Next we saw a cold, stale roll with airplane butter on a cafeteria plate (you know the kind--the roll has just been microwaved, but is still frozen on the inside. The butter gives you a feeling that no cow was used in its making). We looked at each other, puzzled. The hostess -- in roadside diner style (all that was missing was gum chewing, hair net, and western drawl) -- showed us our table, and told us the buffet was to the left and we could buy drinks at the bar. Hagar walked up to the buffet, frowned at the array of carcasses lying under the hot lights and walked on looking for the fish or veggie selection. She ended up shortly at the men's toilet, looked to Michael and asked innocently, "Where's the rest of the buffet?" Poor Hagar. She had a 30 dollar potato, with some peas. This may not sound so bad, but it all depends on the price you pay. We've been treated better and had better food on a 2-dollar-a-day budget. Our story continues.

At most buffets, your dishes are cleared while you are away hunting for more food. We suspect that our waitress/clearing dishes person decided to teach us a lesson about the starving children of Africa. Hagar tasted an array of untasty and quite revolting vegetarian options, and Michael’s scary aquarium-in-a-bowl salad (with thousand island dressing instead of water) was left untouched. Michael had Kangaroo meat. It was probably from road kill. We had googly sea creature eyes staring at us through dessert, at which point our table was cleared and we began feeling the pressure of "you're time is out; please vacate the table before our Big Boy Spike comes to help you out."  We enjoyed the view all right, but when it comes down to it, there's a reason that they usually put nice restaurants on top of buildings, not Sizzlers. They're just not as nice.

It might seem to you like all we've done so far in Sydney was eat and use the public toilets. But you're wrong. We also saw a great museum.

CANBERRA TO MELBOURNE: Date: Sat, 02 Mar 2002 18:27

Kangaroo, Where are you?

We've been in Australia for a week or so, and we have seen no kangaroos.  Not one.  No platypuses.  This is after heaps of people told us we'd see heaps and heaps of kangaroos in an area with heaps of hills.  No kangaroos.  No koalas in the trees.  No platypuses in the rivers, even the one that the ski instructor-turned-chairlift-operator-turned-platypus-finder promised us would contain platypuses.  We are sad.  Some folks recommended we visit a zoo, but we have dignity.  We have pride.  We did see wombats.  They're like cuddly teddy bears with the potential to rip your heart out -- with their claws, not their cute eyes.  But they were behind a fence and that just doesn't count.

After Sydney we drove to Canberra, the country's capital.  It was very impressive--especially the government buildings.  But upon entry into the city center, we felt a very odd and eerie feeling that one does not get to experience often.  It's that feeling when you start actually believing that you're the only people in the world, and everyone else left to go to a cooler place.  Kind of like arriving at a college party to find that it moved down the block.  Then you spend the rest of the evening following the party down the street, but it is always one step ahead of you... righhhhht.  Canberra was so empty that we got the feeling that locals (when we could find them) seemed to want to leave with us since there was no one to talk to.  Even the Congress had a break that lasted half a year.

The Australian War Memorial was very well done, if a bit overloaded on realistic dioramas of Australians being shot around the world.  The Telstra tower was cool, giving us a good view of the city (no people!), but there was a sign in the parking lot that read: "Your car may have ignition problems due to tower transmissions."  We worried about our fertility in later years.  There was another sign that read, "no stroller or wheel chair access through this door.  Please go upstairs for handicap entrance."  There was a ramp, but the ironic thing was that at the top of the ramp were four or five stairs.  And guess where handicap parking was?  Right in front of the "no handicap entrance" entrance.

The National Gallery had many interesting exhibits, including one that displayed what looked like Hagar's red wedding shoes only enlarged and pink-ified.  This has given Hagar high hopes as to the future of her wedding shoes, and she hopes to take up the matter with the Smithsonian upon arrival home.

We left Canberra behind to head to the bustling metropolis of Thredbo, New South Wales's major ski resort.  We now understand why Australia is so awful in the winter Olympics.  Their number one resort has five slopes.  We were unable to find the town center, and when we asked where it was, someone told us, "Down those stairs."  We asked if there was parking, and he said, "It's a bit small."  When we saw the town center, with all two cafes, one tourist shop, and a "supermarket" -- all closed -- we understood.  we had no food.  We ended up buying some pasta from the youth hostel and eating plain pasta with some cucumbers and carrot we had left over from the night before.  Next night was corn, cucumber, carrot, and Heinz canned soup.  Heinz should stick to ketchup.

The next day we ascended the chairlift to the highest restaurant, cafe, and bar in Australia.  Woo hoo!  We even used the highest toilet in Australia.  Twice!  We hiked towards Mount Kosciuszko, and when it came into sight, Michael did not believe the man who told him that was "Mount" Kosciuszko.  The tallest mountain in Australia is a medium-sized hill.  It just happens to sit high up on a sort-of-mountain, that happens to be taller than the other sort-of-mountains around.  And then we saw wombats and went platypus-hunting.

We drove to Melbourne and saw a sign on the way reading, "Tourist Route."  Sounds good?  RUN!  Run from the tourist routes!  We didn't.  We drove straight for the trap: 67 kilometers of unpaved, Laos-style road in our little Toyota Corolla.  Here is an exact transcript of our conversation during our 3 hour, 67 kilometer ride through what seemed to be a "eucalyptus forest" aka, "Look, another tree!"

H: This is fun.  I love tourist routes.

M: Me, too.

(Thirty minutes pass.)

H: Hey, look, another eucalyptus tree.

M: What interesting leaves.

H: I feel nauseous.

M: Me, too.

H: I am having a wonderful time.

M: Me, too.

(Two hours pass.)

H: What fun. Are you having fun?

M: Yes.

H: Me, too, then.

(We emerge onto paved road.)

H: That sucked.

M: Big time.

We got out of the car to assess the damage.  None.... this time.  We are still suspicious about the alignment of the wheels.

Needless to say, we didn't make it to Melbourne that day.  After eating traditional Australian pub food (the grilled fish came fried -- not kidding -- it wasn't an ordering mistake either; as the fish was put on the table, the daughter-waitress-cook said "Grilled fish"), we slept in a wonderful family-of-six cabin with kitchenette, etc.  We didn't use it.

The next day we happily drove to Melbourne, thinking that we were only 1.5 hours away.  After 6 bathroom stops, we arrived in the city three hours after our departure.  We spent about three hours going 200 km.  And about three hours going 10 km.  The Australians haven't figured out how to build major highways around cities.  Thus, M31, a major highway, becomes a two-lane street through markets, suburbs, etc., with a traffic light every two feet.  We did pass lots of Lebanese stores and bought some delicious pickles.

And now to the real reason why we are so sarcastic.

We have the worst/best luck in the world.  Since arriving in New Zealand, we have entered every city on the day of its annual celebration of "such and such."  We were in Wellington for a cricket match the first time, rugby match the second.  Sleepy Westport was packed to the gills during its annual marathon.  Christchurch had a major IT convention or something.  We were in Milford Sound the best week of weather that month. 

The point is, we ALWAYS get the last two beds in time.  And the last two nights were no exception.  Sort of.  Hagar slept on the floor, Michael took the top bunk, and the bed bugs took the bottom bunk.  No joke -- everyone who has been at that hostel for more than two days has bites all over their neck and arms.  Turtlenecks are more widespread than in a college-town coffee shop.

So we have had the luck of arriving in Melbourne during the annual Grand Prix car race.  Although that may sound exciting to some of you, it's not.  The town is so packed that we haven't been able to see anything, because every time we get in the car, we end up sitting in it for two hours.  The museums are closed.  The roads are closed.  You get the picture.

Australia is a great road-trippin' country.  We have found the most random stores, and even bought a picnic basket in one of those country fairs where people are still selling their soon-to-be-valuable antiques, and not yet transformed into garage sale junk (i.e. old socks).  In the next couple of days, we expect to see the monstrous Lobster of Kingston.

JEWISH FOOD UPDATE: A particularly bright spot of Melbourne was visiting the Jewish food shops in the St. Kilda area.  Hagar got real chicken soup with knaidlach (three bowls over two days), Michael had a bowl himself, plus three bagels, and when we visited Michael's cousins, we got to eat fish balls, but not the kind that you get in Asia that come on a skewer.  These ones were gefilte fish in honey sauce. Or so we think.  Yum.  Since we were so full from all our eating, we decided to visit the delicatessen section of the Queen Victoria Market, where we chatted with the owner of "Curds and Whey" cheese shop.  We sampled seven or eight cheeses and bought four.

Speaking of which, our stomachs are growling.  And when the cheese calls, we must answer.

        Curds,

            Michael and Hagar

LAST GLIMPSE OF AUSTRALIA: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 09:17:05

So long and thanks for all the fish-n-chips

Anyway, Michael is now sitting next to a freezer in a cafe in Naples and Hagar is next to the drafty door freezing her little be-toweled head (you should see this).  We will get to our Italian excitement in the next, hopefully soon-to-be-sent email.  In the meantime, an update on the last three weeks of magic in Oz.

Many of you have been asking why we haven't written in some time.  The answer is that unlike middle of nowhere China, middle of nowhere Australia has no internet.  This might have to do with the fact that instead of 1 million people per town you never heard of, you'd be lucky if you found a town larger than a petrol station in Australia.  Actually we slept in a place that once had 30 people, but earlier that week dropped to 24 when a family won a Western Australia housing lottery and moved to another middle-of-nowhere place.  This was explained to us when we asked for more detailed information about the sign on the way into town that read, and this is an exact quote:

           GLENDAMBO Population: Humans 30, Sheep 22,000, Flies 2,000,000 (approx.)

Righhhhht...

So we walked around Adelaide for a day, and saw all kinds of aboriginal and non-aboriginal art, and had a great time during the Adelaide art festival.  The city is truly one of our favorite Australian cities (out of the 4 that we saw), and its got great buildings and nice people.  We also ate pancakes which was the highlight of our visit when we got a recommendation along the lines of, "That pancake place is great. They've got delicious steaks."  Only in Australia.

And, we had a frustrating experience with the Australian medical system.  Michael needed crutches after running down a metal walkway that said "No running." Moral of that story is... next time wear boots instead of sandals.  Hagar ran all over Adelaide looking for a pair, and was finally referred to the local hospital.  We took a taxi, and went into the emergency room.  We asked for a wheel chair. "Sorry, we ran out."  "You what?"  "we ran out.  On Saturdays all the old people come in for check-ups, and they use up all the wheel chairs."  Right.  Anyway, so we ask for crutches and the lady tells us to go to the enquiries desk on the other side of the hospital.  Michael sits this one out.  Hagar goes to the desk, where she is sent to the Equipment desk.  At the equipment desk, she is told to go to the emergency room for a form.  She goes to the emergency room.  The same lady from before (we’ll call her "Helpful Sally" for kicks)says, "yes, you need a referral form from the doctor."  (what follows is a dramatization based on actual events) "thanks for telling us before I went running all over the hospital, yelling at random and innocent Australians instead of having it out with you."  "You're welcome."  Anyway, the choice was to either wait for 3 hours so some doctor can write "please give this dude crutches" or to leave.  We left, and arrived at a certain pharmacy that wanted to rent us crutches for 5 dollars with 15 dollar deposit.  we seriously considered stealing the 50 dollar crutches and leaving the 15 dollar deposit, but they read our minds (we spoke our thoughts out loud), and raised the deposit to 50 dollars.  so we paid 50 dollars and bought the crutches.  The ordeal took 3 hours.

The reason we spent that much time writing about the crutches, is because we spent the next week driving through the desert.  And for those of you who have driven through the desert before,  you know that there is not much to say about it.

One could say, "The desert holds an inner beauty that reveals itself only to those who silently comprehend, breathe with the life that abounds, drink in the dry air of the red center of the southern continent. Ahh, life."  Which, we must admit, we did think now and again.

But more often, we thought, "I have to pee." and said something like, "Pull over. I have to pee."  We proudly have left our mark about every 5 km on the Stuart Highway, all the way from Adelaide to Darwin.  Keep in mind that that’s about 600 markings.  No wonder it took us that long to get there.

We are kidding of course, about the desert being uneventful.  We finally saw kangaroos and wallabies and wallaroos, in the wild, hopping and alive, and we took pictures.  Plus, we bought tapes along the way.  We had what one may call "a variety."  We now know "Don't think twice, it's all right" by heart (Bob Dylan) as well as a few songs by Babs (Streisand, for those who don't worship the lady with legs like buttah as we do).  And Slim Shady.  Word up, homey g funk dogs.  And stuff.

We went to Uluru, which is a great, big, red rock in the middle of the flat desert, and its a very incredible scene.  This, the biggest stone monolith in the world, is a short drive from Alice Springs in Aussie terms.  That's 400 miles for the rest of us.  e also went to Coober Pedy.  That is a strange place.  Lonely Planet describes the desert opal mining town as a frontier town with a rough and ready attitude.  We found leopard print furniture in a mock-up miners' home after watching a cheesy 20-minute video with an underlying theme of "Buy opals. They're worth the money. Opals."  The draw of the place is that people dig their houses underground, and live in the cool earth to escape the desert heat.  We thought that it would have made a nice "on the way to somewhere else" type of stop, but we already made reservations.  The caravan park we stayed at did have a pool, and the Serbian Orthodox owner had three of his cousins, sisters, or somebody do the cleaning.  The underground Serbian Orthodox church had a big bar, by the way.

Well, we drove a whole lot and sang too much Barbara Streisand.  And then we arrived in Darwin.  A nice little place.  We spent the week with Michael's parents touring about, and we went to Kakadu where we hiked in the wilderness and swam in beautiful water holes and water falls.  We've never really swum in truly natural, wild waters before, and it was something else.  We would hike for three kilometers or so, take off our shoes and shirts, and hop right on into a cool pool with natural massage-giving waterfalls, thousand-year-old Aboriginal rock paintings, and fish that swam around and through our legs.  Of course, we were all naked.  Except our tour guide, who gave us funny looks and went in with his shorts.  [Note from the Webmeister, who was there! Sometimes these guys exaggerate just a tad. Just about the naked part, not the 3 km part. And they didn't mention the Brobdignagian Boulders some of us needed help clambering over.]

So that is our trip.  We will write soon about Italy, where we found ourselves after 30 hours of travel.  Michael's head is starting to spin from slack of sleep.  Hagar has been begging for permission to sleep, but we are trying to avoid jet lag.  Ole Hagsy suspects we will be so tired that we won't wake up until 6 pm tomorrow anyway, so why not just call it a night now (6 pm today).  In a final closing word, we have some advice for all you folks who intend on traveling to the Australian outback: bring peanut butter and jelly.  One can eat only so much fish and chips.  We actually lost weight on greasy fatty Australian food because we just couldn't take it anymore.  Also, for those of you who doubt globalization's impact on the world, Michael ordered chicken satay from an Irishman at a petrol station that doubled as the UFO capital of the world.  Don't ask.

Canberra

Aboriginal protest fire, Canberra

Aboriginal Embassy, Canberra

War Memorial, Canberra

Great Ocean Road

Surfer Dudes, Apollo Bay Surfers Museum

Getting ready for the Big Surf

Near Apollo Bay

Twelve Apostles, Great Ocean Road

Rainforest fern, Great Ocean Road

Great Ocean Road

Tropic of Capricorn or bust!

Yup.

Alice Springs

War Memorial, Alice Springs

Near Uluru

Uluru - Ayers Rock

Underground home, Coober Pedy

Serbian Orthodox church, Coober Pedy

The Outback

King's Canyon, Outback

King's Canyon

King's Canyon

Outback

Termite Mound

Larry the Lobster of Kingston, AU

Fort in Queens Cliff near Melbourne

Snowy Mountains Hydro Scheme

Hiking to Mt. Kocziusko